a nice day for a white wedding

Congrats to Ellen Degeneres, Portia de Rossi,
and the California Supreme Court.
You’ve all made a fantastic decision.
Incase you haven’t heard and have no idea
what I’m talking about…Thursday the
California Supreme Court layed the smackdown
on a law banning gay marriage and Ellen
announced on her show that she and Portia
will get married…the video made me
get a little teary eyed. Great job California!!
Illinois get your ass in gear

here’s the video =)

mood music

douche bag at target

i was at Target picking up some wrapping paper
2 women in front of me
#1 pays and begins to leave, #2 only has 2 things
#2 is paying when #1 comes back says “HEY!”
(yells like parents to their kids at walmart)
points to her receipt and says that she was supposed
to have 79 cents back she only got 76
thats right bitching over 3 cents
poor cashier is speechless
really i know gas is crazy but 3 cents come on
#1 is now holding up a line of about 8 people
and we’re all looking at her in disbelief
i’ve been in the cashiers shoes before
once a lady paid with extra change expecting
50 cents back…well she can’t add she was getting 45
so i gave her 45, which causes her to throw a fit
she screams at me like i’m an idiot
so i go over to my manager
tell him the amount of money i was given
and the total of the bill and how that
CLEARLY is 45 cents..and said
how do i explain this to her
my manager handed me a calculator
now anyone who’s worked in a “service” position
knows how awesome this is going to be…
thats right in front of a now long line of people
i instructed the woman on math using a calculator
and assured her that unless the calculator
was not calculating then her correct change was 45 cents
so the bitch handed me a nickel
now i should have handed her 50 cents in dimes
but i got plenty of satisfaction handing
her those 2 little quarters
so back to target, that is what i was
thinking of when this lady was demanding her 3 cents
well the poor cashier can’t get the register to open
because its out of paper, i don’t have change on
me because i was buying wrapping paper
i had a $5 bill, my keys, and cell phone
then the most beautiful thing happened
#2 said i’ve got change for you
and out of her purse pulls out a handful of change
and dumps it into #1’s hands
pennies, nickels, and dimes fell allover the floor
i could not stop laughing
#1 didn’t say a word and left
the cashier was too scared to laugh
but you could see he wanted to

anniversary of what

i’m officially an adult
by that i mean that i’m on a budget
putting my electric bill before my bar fund
no more cable so i can pay my gas bill
i went to my mom’s sunday so she could
help me figure it all out
i’ve always had a roommate so bills
were easy now i have to make up for a whole person
i’m going to be scraping by
myself my mom and my step dad
were all figuring that i’d be getting
by with about 75 to spare a month
whoo hoo! …..
i need a new job and a roommate
i was about to cry, i bust my ass at work
12hr shifts 3 days a week no breaks ever
over 40hrs a week even on my days off i end up
having to go in and fix shit because i’m the only one
who can…
my step dad said he was really proud of me
and if i needed help he would do it no questions
because i was working hard not just blowing my money
like his kids do
my mom hugged me and said not to worry
then i did cry…right then i had a family
im thinking its going to be a long long time
before i come out to them
i know their love has conditions
and i probably deserve better
but i think its normal to want family
i haven’t called or messaged “anie”
she hasnt contacted me either though
its hard to talk to her and know
that theres a wall there
to actually know and sense that
once i didn’t know where i began and she ended
we were so close we were the same
and now…now its like i ran into a friend from high school
except i actually care about her
then if it gets personal she talks about a guy
this guy is such a douche-bag…ugh…
2 years ago today we got married
sure it wasn’t real but her calling me
everyday, calling me wifey…
how could i not fall in love
she took it there
do straight girls have fake weddings with their friends?
honestly do they?

nothing much

not much new has happened
i emailed “annie” asking how she was
she emailed me back
exciting i know
i got drunk and emailed a friend
that lives 3 states away and told her
in many misspelled words that i was in love with a girl
i’m not even sure she could understand it
i find myself more and more comfortable
with the fact that i might be more lesbian than bisexual
except i still find lots of guys sexy
but i definately see myself with another woman
i keep wanting to tell people but i don’t
because i don’t want some people to know yet
everything has been pretty boring lately

today’s song

100

everyone has a 100 about me post
i finally decided to do one..it was ridiculously hard
i’m more of a question and answer type person
so after reading through this if you have some questions ask

100. I have blue-ish eyes..sometimes they are a little gray or green…i think

99. I have bells palsy…thats why i make goofy faces..i woke up with it when i was 19, 2 days before my first day of college..it doesn’t bother me much anymore

98. i am right handed

97. my favorite color is orange..its kind of an obsession..thats lasted for 9 yrs

96. i don’t eat mexican food..it makes me sick

95. i love thunderstorms, i love the smell in the air, the electricity in the air..the color of the sky i love it all

94. basketball used to be my life…but now i realize i miss it more for what it was to me than the game itself

93. i cry at movies…shhh

92. i always hold the door open for people and push my chair in and it bothers me when other people don’t

91. i love snow

90. I am extremely attracted to people with Australian accents…can’t help it

89. I think this list is extrememly narcissistic…i would rather someone asked to know 100 things than for me to tell them on my own

88. I really really want to go skydiving

87. I can name any aerosmith song within 3 seconds…its been tested

86. I dont’ like things between my toes, like flip flops or toe socks or lint..bothers the crap out of me..but i do own some flip flops

85. I don’t like plain walls…i like to cover every inch in posters and whatnot

84. I freakin love shark week…i freakin love sharks

83. I play with candles as opposed to letting them burn naturally

82. when i get mad about something i usually forget about it the next day so i deem it unimportant..but sometimes it is because i get mad that i never did anything about it when it happens again…one of those cycles. i’m workin on it

81. I can’t stand when someone I love cries, nothing hurts me more than that

80. i’ve skipped more school in one semester than most people have in their entire life..not that i’m proud of it but it happened

79. when i was a kid i used to pray to god before bed to let me live through the night because i was terrified to sleep

78. i still can’t sleep unless my doors are closed and something as simple as a shoe is blocking them from opening…i’m ok with that because at least i’m doing it with the lights out

77. sometimes i quit before something can be finished because sometimes i’m afraid of failing and other times i’m afraid of not knowing the end

76. i peel my skin when i have a sunburn…i don’t know how anyone can leave it be

75. i pick scabs too

74. i like debating things, but i hate to argue with people i care about

73. i know i’m mature and wise, but sometimes i feel like a lost little kid in day to day life which is why i can get stuck in self destructive patterns

72. my middle name is Nicole…i still don’t know the point of middle names if no one uses them

71. I have 2 older brothers, obviously I only consider 1 of them my brother

70. when i was a kid my best friend was my dog tracker, he was a stray. we met at a bad time in my life and he was the only one i could talk to about it…i wrote a book about him once in grade school. one morning i woke up and he was gone my dad gave him away before i could say goodbye, i’ve never gotten over it.

69. i’m immune to poison ivy..at least so far i am

68. i always have my cell phone with me and i feel lost without it, i’m not someone who talks a lot on the phone or texts a lot either but i feel better with it near me

67. my grandma had a whole room of “keepsakes”…i have a tote and that scares me because she probably had a tote at one point…we are really alike i wish she remembered me and i wish i knew all this before her memory started fading

66. i can type anything that i’m feeling but if i say the words i almost always cry and can’t speak..i hate that

65. i love post secret..i wish people were always that honest

64. my bro and i have an unspoken bond but i wish we talked

63. i dont really like my name

62. i like nighttime more than daytime

61. some days i do absolutely nothing and i’m fine with it, but when i have to work i regret the days i did nothing

60. i like to sleep in unless there’s something i want to do early

59. I have a scar on the roof of my mouth from my straw when my mom hit a pot hole in a parking lot…now i never drink out of a straw while moving.

58. I feel like there are a lot of things i should know that other people do but i’m afraid to ask

57. I don’t remember most of my childhood

56. I got lost at the county fair for over 2 hours when i was about 6…2 cops found me, everytime someone asks me why i want to be a cop i remember that..because i like that reason better than the real one.

55. i was in band for 6 years, i never practiced and was second best

54. I made the winning free throw in a basketball game in double overtime, i cried the whole busride home because my mom chose not to come to my game

53. “starry night” is my favorite painting…it makes me feel better to know that someone so broken inside can still see such beauty

52. photography is becoming a new hobbie for me, it feels good to have one again

51. mannequins that have fake hair and resemble people creep me out very very much

50. mt dew is my favorite soda…and i call it soda not pop

49. i would love to go to Africa and do aid work, because i think it would help me more than the people there

48. i taught myself how to swim and ride a bike in the same summer, i was 7

47. i think i’m a huge dork and a cool person all in one

46. when i was a little kid me and my brothers used to take our mattresses and use them like sleds down the stairs to our basement…it was the most fun i remember having in that house

45. sometimes i miss playing in piles of leaves…i miss duck duck goose and hide and seek too

44. for some reason every time i read “illinois” i pronounce the “s” in my head

43. i hate small talk, i find it pointless

42. my mom beat the shit out of me one day, i let her and never fought back or said a word…we’re alright now but every time i need someone to talk to and want to call her i remember that day

41. i almost drowned in a river, my dad never took us fishing again but i wasn’t scared and miss fishing

40. my favorite tv show ever is “la femme nikita” and no one i know has even heard of it..

39. people around me treat me like “dear abby”…i want someone to be that for me too

38. i still like to drink kool-aid

37. i usually over tip to make up for all the assholes that under tip

36. i hate my job but love my co workers, thats the only thing keeping me there

35. I can’t dance but that doesn’t stop me

34. I have been lucky enough to have some amazing people in my life who have given me more than i’ll ever believe i’m worthy of

33. I love the color of the sky when the sun sets

32. if you look in my closet you’ll find jeans and t-shirts and not much else

31. when i was little and i got new shoes i would sleep with them like they were stuffed animals

30. Zoo’s make me sad

29. I was 7 the first time i rode a dirt bike by myself, i miss riding

28. one of my favorite things as a kid was riding on my dad’s shoulders

27. when i was 17 i spent a week voluntarily in a pyschward, they gave me a 3 page pamphlet on depression and kept me locked in a room 17hrs a day. I’ve never been the same since, not in a good way either.

26. i have a lot of scars from cutting, i am fine with them

25. when i was 16 gas was 98 cents a gallon…i miss that

24. pictures of people i knew used to creep me out because i always felt like i was being watched

23. i used to write songs instead of keeping a diary…they were more like poems but i called them songs

22. if you ask what my favorite type of music is i would say rock, but really most of what i listen to is singer/songwriter types like missy higgins, rachael yamagata, damien rice, fiona apple…stuff like that

21. sometimes i see something black fly across a room, i always thought it was just me but once another person saw the same thing at the same time as me so i know something is up

20. i have a guitar i can’t play

19. i take a bubble bath a few times a week, i think everyone should treat themselves to one

18. i like going for walks or jogs late at night

17. my favorite ice cream is peanut butter cup

16. i am going to get a tattoo soon

15. 15 was my number in basketball, same as my 3 favorite players

14. i’m always described as easy going..and i agree i think i am

13. if you hurt someone i care about i hurt you..thats the only time i think i fight

12. i’m not impressed by anyone based on their looks, probably because i know how untrue that is

11. when i get excited i get really loud, and my thoughts go faster than i can talk…so usually i’m a terrible story teller

10. i set 2 alarms every night in case 1 of them doesn’t work…its happened a few times

9. i don’t answer my phone unless i know who’s calling me

8. i can’t stand to sleep with my socks on..it has happened and in the morning i am amazed that it happened…

7. oddly enough i seriously have cat like reflexes…

6. i realized probably the most significant thing about myself recently and don’t know how to tell anyone

5. my favorite way to relax is to lay on the ground and stare at the stars

4. after i read the first chapter of a book i skip to the last page

3. I fell in love with my best friend, i don’t think i’ll ever tell her

2. i keep my blog a secret from people i know in real life

1. I feel like i’m capable of doing great things because of all the shit i’ve gone through

grandma drank champagne

i’ve been pretty busy lately,
my mom got married (#2)
that was an interesting experience
she confided in me on the way to the church
that they almost called it off 2 days before
i didn’t say much to comfort her
it wasnt’ anything serious, just worrying
about the wedding cost because people
started inviting themselves
big deal i thought, but i was also mad at her
this guy has been with her for over 6 years
he’s really great and i have considered him
my stepdad for the last 4 or 5 years
i never considered that he wasn’t part of my family
then he almost wasn’t…
the wedding went well
it was beautiful outside
i wore a dress and makeup
which i haven’t done since…well never both at once
i don’t like getting all girly because people
make such a big deal out of it, i hate all the attention
only one person noticed my scars thought i must
have wrecked a dirt bike in the thorn bushes
my mom called me last night to tell me again
how great i looked
and for some reason thought i’d feel a lot better
about wearing a dress to know that my oldest
brother told her he thought i looked beautiful….
way to ruin a good thing mom
i called “annie” to say hi
i couldn’t help but grin ear to ear when i heard her voice
even if it was a voicemail recording
i haven’t heard it in probably a year
she called me back about an hour later
…oh that ringtone
makes my heart jump out of my chest
i don’t even know what we said
i was too happy to really care

one step forward

i talked to her today
online so it wasn’t quite the same
but we’ve had our best conversations online
she told me that she broke up with her bf 2 weeks ago
i hadn’t asked so i took it as a good sign that she
told me something personal by her own choice
but she also told me she was interested in someone
a guy friend she’s known since high school
so it seems another serious relationship is in the works
i’m glad she’s happy but i wish she would be single for a while
she said it was great to hear from me and to call her
i know its going to take time for us to be friends
but for the first time in far too long i feel like
there is a chance for that
maybe it will be more and maybe i’ll be fine being friends
but right now things are good
i’m so relieved right now
she talked to me

sleepwalking

i’ve had a dream stuck inside my head all day
it was the best dream i think i’ve ever had
i was laying on a rooftop staring at the stars
and my former best friend and person i’m in love with
lets call her “Anie” from now on…anyway
she came up and asked to lay next to me
she said she didn’t know any of the constellations
i tried showing her the big dipper
she couldnt find it, i put my head next to hers
and pointed each star out with her hand
she finally found it and we were laughing
then she kissed me, it was so real
my heart was racing
then she seemed panic started to get up
i stopped her and somehow told her that i loved her
i was going to kiss her when my alarm clock went off
…a terrible song to wake up to…
I don’t know how much longer i can stand this…
i still haven’t heard from her since she messaged me
i guess i’ll wait a couple more days
then i’ll try to call her..which means i’ll have to talk to her
which means it could be the end…

Things that don’t make sense to me

a few days ago Gov. Eliot Spitzer resigned from office

He like many politicians had a sex scandal and stepped down from office

Sex is a billion dollar industry, we see it everyday…its hardly a scandal anymore

This however is a scandal….I heard about it from Ellen

Not the news, it wasn’t even on my local news

How is this not a scandal…why isn’t she being forced to step down

Sally Kern… how did you make it this far in life?

everything i can’t say

this is my heart, here on paper, on a screen
this is everything my heart holds for you
good, bad, fear, hope, the black and white
however you feel, please tell me
please don’t disappear without a word
because I will wait, please don’t lash out
because I don’t think I could recover. This
is my heart and it hasn’t been easy to write this
it took a few days hours at a time for it to come
out. I had to take out a lot of bullshit, because
if there is one thing i’m really great at its masking
my feelings. This is scary for me and i’m leaving
myself completely open and i’ve never done that
before so please please respect that, please don’t
mock me, please don’t go around telling everyone
this to hurt me.

I know its sad that I know your reaction already.
that i’ve already been preparing for it, i know it
logically. but with me there is always this other side
pulling and hoping like hell that i’m wrong. I know
how this will end up but i have to tell you
because if i don’t i will always wonder and
that hope will live on in me. So I guess
this is so you can end it for me. So i will
never wonder.

I have thought about you everyday. I wonder
how you are doing, what you are doing, if
you will call or something, if you even think of me.
Everyday…when something really funny happens
I think of sharing it with you. When something good
happens I wish i could thank you for making it all
possible. There is a deep overwhelming feeling
inside me everytime someone says your name.
It was more than missing you, for the longest
time I thought it came from guilt and hatred for myself.
It took until now for me to realize it. I wish I could
change it because I know it means you will never
consider being friends with me again. I don’t know
an easy way to say this because i’ve never said
it to anyone before, i’ve never felt it before…so
i’m just going to come out and say it..I love you.
That really scared me at first, because of what it
means for me. Believe it or not I didn’t know I was
bisexual. I know what you’re thinking right now,
because I remember what you told me about Spoo
and when she asked you out. You are the first person
that I have ever loved. You have helped me grow so
much. Losing your friendship was a huge regret for me
but now I can honestly say that I would not go back
and change it. Out of that loss came a motivation I
didn’t know i had and i would not have changed without
it. I wasn’t capable of being your friend, I wish things were
different of course, I wish you didn’t have to get hurt too.
I know you haven’t trusted me, but I hope you know
that if you gave me a second chance I would not let
you down. Maybe i’m wrong but i think we were too close
not to give this a second chance. I know it won’t be easy
but i’m asking you to try and i’ll do everything i can.
I know you are fine without me, but i’m not. I need
you in my life, I need you to try for me. I need you to
not regret knowing me. I think this is all i can say
without going in circles, please give it thought.