everything i can’t say
this is my heart, here on paper, on a screen
this is everything my heart holds for you
good, bad, fear, hope, the black and white
however you feel, please tell me
please don’t disappear without a word
because I will wait, please don’t lash out
because I don’t think I could recover. This
is my heart and it hasn’t been easy to write this
it took a few days hours at a time for it to come
out. I had to take out a lot of bullshit, because
if there is one thing i’m really great at its masking
my feelings. This is scary for me and i’m leaving
myself completely open and i’ve never done that
before so please please respect that, please don’t
mock me, please don’t go around telling everyone
this to hurt me.
I know its sad that I know your reaction already.
that i’ve already been preparing for it, i know it
logically. but with me there is always this other side
pulling and hoping like hell that i’m wrong. I know
how this will end up but i have to tell you
because if i don’t i will always wonder and
that hope will live on in me. So I guess
this is so you can end it for me. So i will
never wonder.
I have thought about you everyday. I wonder
how you are doing, what you are doing, if
you will call or something, if you even think of me.
Everyday…when something really funny happens
I think of sharing it with you. When something good
happens I wish i could thank you for making it all
possible. There is a deep overwhelming feeling
inside me everytime someone says your name.
It was more than missing you, for the longest
time I thought it came from guilt and hatred for myself.
It took until now for me to realize it. I wish I could
change it because I know it means you will never
consider being friends with me again. I don’t know
an easy way to say this because i’ve never said
it to anyone before, i’ve never felt it before…so
i’m just going to come out and say it..I love you.
That really scared me at first, because of what it
means for me. Believe it or not I didn’t know I was
bisexual. I know what you’re thinking right now,
because I remember what you told me about Spoo
and when she asked you out. You are the first person
that I have ever loved. You have helped me grow so
much. Losing your friendship was a huge regret for me
but now I can honestly say that I would not go back
and change it. Out of that loss came a motivation I
didn’t know i had and i would not have changed without
it. I wasn’t capable of being your friend, I wish things were
different of course, I wish you didn’t have to get hurt too.
I know you haven’t trusted me, but I hope you know
that if you gave me a second chance I would not let
you down. Maybe i’m wrong but i think we were too close
not to give this a second chance. I know it won’t be easy
but i’m asking you to try and i’ll do everything i can.
I know you are fine without me, but i’m not. I need
you in my life, I need you to try for me. I need you to
not regret knowing me. I think this is all i can say
without going in circles, please give it thought.
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